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Polyamory married and dating triad

' "BEHIND THE WHITE PICKET FENCEAbout 18 months ago Wellingtonian *Kim, 31, had a crisis.

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"I don't take him for granted because I know he's choosing to be here and one day he might choose to not be here.And if someone else comes along, all parties need to know about it as soon as feelings have developed."If I meet someone I think is attractive, I can appreciate that openly and even share it without the guilt and negativity one might experience in a monogamous relationship," explains Samantha, who was once married to a man."People in monogamous relationships tend to feel entitled to their partner's time, body and feelings.Just because you're boinking someone, you don't own them." Sipping a cup of tea as she chats, Ana, in her late 30s, says: "[With monogamy] you either have to exercise amazing self control or really hurt someone, and I don't have amazing self control. If you're in a traditional relationship you can't really go to your partner and say, 'I really wanna get it on with this person, is that okay?Meanwhile, although Samantha considers Caleb to be a good person, she can not bear to be physically near him, which is the way she feels about all adult males.THE FAME AND THE FICTIONPolyamory was popularised by science fiction writer Robert Heinlein's novel and hippie free-love communities in the 1960s.It wasn't something we jumped into, we talked about it for six months."Nervously, they attended their first poly meet-up and were "blown away" when they were faced with a room full of perfectly ordinary people.

Thus far the dating has been fairly ordinary too, for Kim at least."I have gone on so many dates and had so many duds, it's just ridiculous," she says. But that's the good thing about poly, I can come home and we can laugh about it together."Her husband has met "two fabulous ladies" and one has become his girlfriend.

Both men are heterosexual and relations between all parties are harmonious and happy, like a tiny commune."They hang out and catch up for beers as mates sometimes," says Mia of the two men in her life.

"In terms of time, I spend my time where I want to spend my time but I tend to try to be fair to their needs."She describes a number of distinct relationships within their partnership, each with its own dynamic.

He could say, 'I don't have feelings for you any more.' That's marriage."ONE WOMAN, TWO KIDS, TWO MEN*Mia, 34, worked as a counsellor before deciding to stay home with children.

She lives with her husband *Joe, their two children and her partner *Karl on Auckland's North Shore.

There's her and Joe; her and Karl; Karl and Joe; and her, Karl and Joe.